Remembering the newspaper grandma

Even strangers have the ability to touch our hearts and bring us a kind of joy we may not be able to put into words.

Saw an old man selling cigars outside Chowking at the Insular Life Building in Paseo de Roxas. Since the traffic light was red, I had the chance to look at him for a long time until I have to look away because tears are starting to fill my eyes. I don't know his name but I know who he is. He is the son of the old lady I've met 5 years ago. The old lady whom I called lola (Filipino word for "grandma"),  brings newspapers to the office of the Ayalas and to some tenants at Tower 1 Makati Stock Exchange. She is really old but still worked for her family. She's thin, looked fragile and walked slow like baby steps with her back bent like most people her age.

I remember going to work really early because I wanted to buy her breakfast. I don't know why I did, but it made me happy. There were times I made small talks but cuts the conversation when I know I might cry any moment. Don't get me wrong. Lola was never the "paawa" (asking for pity) kind. She answered my questions with a smile on her face like everything in her life was good.

She brought me joy and at the same time, pain. A part of me breaks to see her working everyday when she could hardly walk and a part of me is happy because I get to see that she can still walk and is very much alive. When I see her, my heart is filled with happiness and when I go back to my office, once I sit on my chair, I couldn't help but cry a little. It looked weird but I didn't care. Smiling and crying at the same time. It didn't matter if she doesn't remember who I am -- the lady who buys her breakfast, who crosses the street with her and makes small talks.

That year, I was excited for my birthday because I planned to invite her. But I didn't see her bringing newspapers anymore. It was her son who I frequently saw then. I learned she was sick and after a few days, she died.

I wish I could have said "thank you" for the joy and for the life lessons she taught me. I wish I could have given more. But some people come to our lives only to teach us lessons. They are not meant to stay.

Apologies to my angels

For the past couple of days I’ve received calls, text messages, and emails from concerned people asking me how I am. And I’ve been very consistent with my reply… I am ok.

I know that most of you who know me so well didn’t believe that short simple statement. My apologies if it sounded so crappy but that’s everything I had to say. I tried to convince you to believe me the same way I convince my self. Unfortunately, both ways didn’t work. I may be good in displaying a balmy attitude to some people, but for you who almost read me like a book, it is not an easy case.

Most of you might think that apathy is not part of my vocabulary. Now you learned it is. Not that it is an acute stage in my character, it is more of a disease that habitually harbors my sensibility. Queer as it may seem, this painful captivity is one of the best panaceas to my festering emotional baggage.

Some of you said that I kept reasoning out. Yes I did. Nevertheless, it was to no avail. I tried all efforts to tell you what I feel, but then it’s either I’m not good in words or what I feel is something that can not be enunciated.

I don’t want to live in a counterfeit soul life where I show people how happy I am when inside I feel so hollowed. This is not about petite things and whatevers which some people who claim to know me, think  bother me. This is about relationships, self-esteem, resilience, respect, being flustered, and how figures become a matter of indifference.

I’d like to thank you for putting up with me despite all that had happened. I know I’ve hurt some of you with my cynical responses. I’m so sorry.

Frailty

I don’t know if quarter-life crisis exists. Some people think it does, while some think it’s simply an excuse to describe a person’s inextricable experiences from age 20-30 something which seems to be a very common experience whatever age we may be in.

All I know is that most people, who are at this point in their lives, find themselves in predicaments and unexplainable circumstances. Confusion in our head starts to get heavy and we begin to question a lot of things. We begin to examine the choices we made and the things we did. The hardest part is when we begin to question our capabilities and our worth as a person. There are so many thoughts in our head and we don’t know which one is right. We are always very cautious of every move we make because we want to make our parents proud, please others, we want to do something good, something beneficial but we also want to be happy.

On that occasion, we recognize other people’s expectations. We begin to wonder why after trying so hard to reach this point or status in life there are still lots of things to do to meet the level they anticipate us to reach. We exert more. And there were times we don’t meet the desired end. And it’s all right if some people make us realize how much we’ve disappointed them. But sometimes… it’s too much. The failure is inconceivably magnified. It’s like failing doesn’t happen to everybody. We want to explain. Tell them what we feel. Voicing out is an option but we usually opt for silence. There are instances wherein utter stillness is better than expressing all the negative responses we have.

I have learned that what matters in the end are how we regard ourselves and feel about ourselves. What others say or think about us should not define who we are. We should give ourselves the permission to be imperfect and a pat on the back to scale to greater heights. They say that there is no education like adversity. It’s a painful course. But with faith, even if everything is beyond our understanding, we know there is tomorrow.

To the guy who frequently rides the space shuttle

Meeting you in an unexpected time is something I’ve left out of my contemplation. Being friends with you is something I’ve welcomed and held with no question.

We were ok. Actually, more than ok. We got along so well despite some differences in opinions because there are things we agree a lot with. We have this mutual feeling that we’ve known each other for a long time albeit it wasn’t really the case.

So how could such kind of misunderstanding ruin our friendship? But was it really misunderstanding? Or was it because of the so-called defense mechanism? Or maybe pride which, I don’t know if good or bad, I don’t happen to possess a lot in this incident.

At first, I find humor in it. Maybe some universal phenomenon had occurred. I’m trying to justify it with irrelevant explanations. Construe it with baseless logic.

Speaking to you is always a one-question-one-answer kind of conversation. And here I am in spite of it all, trying to make a really good talk. So what if you never asked how I am. It didn’t really matter. But you know what? You never failed, not even once, to make me feel sad after every conversation. I could not determine whether you don’t really see and feel it or you chose not to see and feel it.

You might think I’m giving too much meaning to it. Maybe I am. You said I try to augment issues. I am not. I’m dealing with its normal size. Which you unbelievably can’t see is quite big.

Oh! And maybe it’s just me again seeing it immensely when the matter of the fact is, it is entirely inconsequential. Yeah, me. It’s all about me when it comes to this event. Every decision you make, every word you say, and the denouement of this miserable platonic relationship is brought to you by… yours truly.

I won’t ask why ‘coz disappointingly, you have already answered everything in your account. And that’s fine with me now.

I may sound sarcastic but I’m not mad. Funny that I am not. Not even a bit. I’m just sad. I have always protected my relationship with people I have tamed and who have tamed me. But sometimes we have to allow the people we love make their own choices whether we like it or not…

So I’ll let you be. And this time, I’ll walk the other way…

My tongue will speak the pain in my heart or my heart conceiving it will break…




JE2104

Not thinking again

In the midst of everyone’s hangover from All Soul’s Day and from the trick and treat fun, I found myself in a case different from most people. What most people think about is how they wished the vacation could have been longer. Mine was different. Maybe because I didn’t really care even if Nov. 2 wasn’t declared a holiday.

I disappointed a number of friends because of one act I never even thought was wrong. Or maybe I thought it was, I just don’t want to think that it really is. There were so many times that I found myself in situations wherein I don’t care how other people would think. But there were also times when I care so much that it makes me terribly paranoid.

I perfectly understand all the disappointments. Some have spoken some harsh words but it was all acceptable. I don’t even think it was harsh. Your dear friend needs some cognizance at times she clumsily looses her head.

I properly conceive that your point is for my own good. I can see where you are all going. You bombed me with questions I can’t even answer. But then, they don’t need to be answered. They need to be realized…

One of my bestfriends gave me a call this afternoon. He rarely does that, not unless he feels I need to hear what he wants to say. For the third time now he said, “Don’t make me leave my job and buy a plane ticket to Manila”. He wasn’t laughing. However, it also doesn’t have a touch of anger. It was plain but quite strong. The first time he threw me that line, I thought maybe he should do that. It would really be nice. But of course that’s insane… and kinda selfish.

For a moment, I forgot a lot of things.

I forgot some friends’ long distance calls 2-3 times a day, eating disorder, why I have to visit Tita Gracy 3-4 times a week, my change of views, my indifference, the chewable candies.

I forgot some friends’ kindness to pick me up from the office, special dinners just to force me to eat, Figaro chocolate cakes to make me smile.

I forgot your surprises every week, love story movie marathon, comedy movie marathon.

I forgot the wonderful emails, sweet messages, funny texts, singing clown (which was horrible but totally funny), and the stargazing.

I forgot how some of you woke up early in the morning around 8-9 (which you’re not used to) just to check if I went to work and if I’ve eaten breakfast then go back to sleep again, lunch and dinner reminders, my leaves, watching “The Whole Ten Yards” and “School of Rock”, Starbuck’s coffee, Coffee Bean, getting bloated at NSG, going to Greenhills, late night celfone-babad (talking for hours using cellphone. Imagine the bill!)

I’d like to say sorry (you guys know who you are). I haven’t forgotten all the good things you did, all your efforts and all your help. Most of you said, “it’s ok” (some did after I started crying), but I know that it isn’t.




NR0304